{this moment} - A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.
April 27, 2013
{this moment}
{this moment} - A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.
April 19, 2013
{this moment}
{this moment} - A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.
April 16, 2013
support
Thank you so much for your kind words. Today felt that much better with so much support behind me. You helped bring me a feeling a confidence and commitment to my job.
April 15, 2013
In search of support and kind words
I am so angry I can barely breathe. Tears have speckled my glasses and I have that all too familiar ache in the back of my throat from weeping. I know that it may seem insensitive to be thinking about anything other than the people effected by the explosions at the Boston Marathon, but tonight I need to share what I've been dealing with for what seems like forever.
First of all, I have been battling a really tough bought of depression. I've lived with depression for as long as I can remember. The past six months have been bad but the past month has been anguish.
My second battle only goes back six-ish years. From the time my eldest daughter was born we knew she was a spirited one. She nursed all the time, didn't fall asleep very easily, and woke at the sound of anything (even the clink of the dishes getting put away in the other room). As she grew there were other things that set her apart. She gave up a nap early, she smeared her poop everyday for two months (at least), she didn't seem to understand consequences, she got aggressive and bit me hard and often, and she put everything in her mouth past the age of three. The aggression and mouthing of objects made me ask her pediatrician for his opinion before she started Waldorf school. I had in my head that maybe she had Asperger Syndrome. The doctor told me "She's smart and smart people are weird." End of story.
So Magoo started Waldorf kindergarten just before her 4th birthday. It's at the age of three that children normally start playing with other children their own age. Her behavior was still off. She would rather talk with adults and she didn't know how to engage in play with her classmates. She would kick over a snowman, spit in someone's face, or kick sand at a playmate to get attention. It was around this time that her aggression really got worse. She was biting me and her baby (infant, at the time) sister. She even ran away from home a couple of times and I had to get the neighborhood out to search for her. After her first year at the Waldorf school the teacher suggested we get her tested for Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Wow. Okay.
We put in the paperwork directly with Child Development Services as our pediatrician seemed little to no help. It took until the beginning of the next school year to have her tested. By the way, our insurance didn't pay for the testing. It took six weeks later, just around the time of her 5th birthday, to get the results. The Child Psychologist went over the test results with me. Indeed she did have ODD but also, he said she had PDD-NOS. What? "Have you ever heard of Pervasive Developmental Disorders?" Suddenly I'm having a bit of an out of body experience as he tells me that my daughter is on the Autism Spectrum. I'm staring at him and nodding along all the while thinking about having my concerns dismissed twenty months earlier.
Next comes the flood of paperwork and information. I was so overwhelmed that my depression flared up and, as someone so accurately put it, I grieved the loss of raising a normal functioning child. That may sound shallow but it's the truth. I needed to let go of certain expectations and come to grips with my new reality. We worked with the Waldorf kindergarten teachers so they would better be able to educate her. A lot of the Waldorf ways just wouldn't work for her. For example she would not learn something from just watching and being expected to catch on. Also, around the same time, our family just changed our diet significantly. We all started eating Paleo and the Waldorf obsession with grains just didn't work for us any more. After much thought, we decided that we'd enroll her in public school the next year so she would have access to special education that the Waldorf school wasn't required to provide because they are a private school.
We applied at a choice school out of district and were accepted. We took a tour of the school and even came to a parent orientation. After more thought, we decided to keep her in district. We had been told that our school district has an excellent Autism therapy department. Also we wanted her to connect with some children who live close to us and hopefully keep those connections through the years. So as part of meeting the new teacher we discussed that Magoo would need Autism therapy services. We were told basically that they don't like to do that if they don't have to. They want to keep the children as main-stream as possible. Okay. So we set up expectations around her behavior and her special diet. As time went on, she was having problems that weren't being addressed. We had several meetings all the while I was being told that we don't need to test for an IEP. Finally, I'd had enough getting pushed back and asked the Child Psychiatrist to send a letter to the school requesting that Magoo be tested for an IEP. They finally did test her, interview the hubby and me, had us fill out more paperwork, and set up a meeting to discuss the results.
This brings us to a month ago. We had a meeting with the IEP team: the school psychologist, OT, the principal, the school nurse, her teacher, a speech therapist, the school counselor, and an autism therapist. They handed us this outline for the meeting with two criteria on top that needed to be checked yes and three criteria on the bottom of which at least one needs to be checked. They explained what this meant at which point I interrupted with, "So you're telling me she's not eligible for services?" The school psychologist said, "No, that's not what we're saying." They spent just over an hour giving us test results but not really fully explaining what they meant. All to the conclusion that they could not check "yes" to the second of the first criteria. She would not be eligible for special education services. I shook my head in disbelief. They had just lied to me. They made me sit around and listen to them give me these results all the while trying to give me the impression that they had not already made up their minds whether she was eligible for services. I was so angry.
Today, I open a big-fat envelope I got in the mail from the school. It reads: "NOTICE OF IEP TEAM FINDINGS THAT CHILD IS NOT A CHILD WITH DISABILITIES." I am seeing red. At no time during this meeting a month ago did anyone mention that she was found to not have a disability. My Magoo has a diagnosis of PDD-NOS and ODD from a child psychologist with the Mayo Clinic System. I would like to think that is legitimate. Now, I'll take you back to the end of last week when Magoo came home and told me that two separate special ed/at risk aids told her she was not Autistic. I was mad then but assumed it was just a case of uneducated aids talking about things they don't understand. Now I get the impression that they had been told to hold that line with her. She was, and is, confused and upset. I am confused and upset and my depression is getting the better of me. I feel very alone and very uncertain.
Years ago, before the Autism diagnosis, I got lots of comments behind my back or under one's breath from strangers and some family members that "I'm glad my kid doesn't act like that," "I don't envy you that behavior," and even "What a brat!" Once we got the diagnosis I suddenly felt more understanding. Suddenly I wasn't a bad mother. Her behaviors just were not under my control. Now, with this up-in-the-air un-diagnosis from the school I'm feeling really shaken. I'm feeling like my whole world is being turned upside down again. What's worse is that Magoo is old enough to understand that her world is getting turned upside down too. She's really been regressing the past few weeks. Everything is off and I just don't know what to do next.
Whew. That rant was too long and too poorly written for you to have made it to the end unless you really care about me. I could use all the support I can get so if you read this will you please comment with your kind words? I could use a little sunshine in this long winter.
First of all, I have been battling a really tough bought of depression. I've lived with depression for as long as I can remember. The past six months have been bad but the past month has been anguish.
My second battle only goes back six-ish years. From the time my eldest daughter was born we knew she was a spirited one. She nursed all the time, didn't fall asleep very easily, and woke at the sound of anything (even the clink of the dishes getting put away in the other room). As she grew there were other things that set her apart. She gave up a nap early, she smeared her poop everyday for two months (at least), she didn't seem to understand consequences, she got aggressive and bit me hard and often, and she put everything in her mouth past the age of three. The aggression and mouthing of objects made me ask her pediatrician for his opinion before she started Waldorf school. I had in my head that maybe she had Asperger Syndrome. The doctor told me "She's smart and smart people are weird." End of story.
So Magoo started Waldorf kindergarten just before her 4th birthday. It's at the age of three that children normally start playing with other children their own age. Her behavior was still off. She would rather talk with adults and she didn't know how to engage in play with her classmates. She would kick over a snowman, spit in someone's face, or kick sand at a playmate to get attention. It was around this time that her aggression really got worse. She was biting me and her baby (infant, at the time) sister. She even ran away from home a couple of times and I had to get the neighborhood out to search for her. After her first year at the Waldorf school the teacher suggested we get her tested for Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Wow. Okay.
We put in the paperwork directly with Child Development Services as our pediatrician seemed little to no help. It took until the beginning of the next school year to have her tested. By the way, our insurance didn't pay for the testing. It took six weeks later, just around the time of her 5th birthday, to get the results. The Child Psychologist went over the test results with me. Indeed she did have ODD but also, he said she had PDD-NOS. What? "Have you ever heard of Pervasive Developmental Disorders?" Suddenly I'm having a bit of an out of body experience as he tells me that my daughter is on the Autism Spectrum. I'm staring at him and nodding along all the while thinking about having my concerns dismissed twenty months earlier.
Next comes the flood of paperwork and information. I was so overwhelmed that my depression flared up and, as someone so accurately put it, I grieved the loss of raising a normal functioning child. That may sound shallow but it's the truth. I needed to let go of certain expectations and come to grips with my new reality. We worked with the Waldorf kindergarten teachers so they would better be able to educate her. A lot of the Waldorf ways just wouldn't work for her. For example she would not learn something from just watching and being expected to catch on. Also, around the same time, our family just changed our diet significantly. We all started eating Paleo and the Waldorf obsession with grains just didn't work for us any more. After much thought, we decided that we'd enroll her in public school the next year so she would have access to special education that the Waldorf school wasn't required to provide because they are a private school.
We applied at a choice school out of district and were accepted. We took a tour of the school and even came to a parent orientation. After more thought, we decided to keep her in district. We had been told that our school district has an excellent Autism therapy department. Also we wanted her to connect with some children who live close to us and hopefully keep those connections through the years. So as part of meeting the new teacher we discussed that Magoo would need Autism therapy services. We were told basically that they don't like to do that if they don't have to. They want to keep the children as main-stream as possible. Okay. So we set up expectations around her behavior and her special diet. As time went on, she was having problems that weren't being addressed. We had several meetings all the while I was being told that we don't need to test for an IEP. Finally, I'd had enough getting pushed back and asked the Child Psychiatrist to send a letter to the school requesting that Magoo be tested for an IEP. They finally did test her, interview the hubby and me, had us fill out more paperwork, and set up a meeting to discuss the results.
This brings us to a month ago. We had a meeting with the IEP team: the school psychologist, OT, the principal, the school nurse, her teacher, a speech therapist, the school counselor, and an autism therapist. They handed us this outline for the meeting with two criteria on top that needed to be checked yes and three criteria on the bottom of which at least one needs to be checked. They explained what this meant at which point I interrupted with, "So you're telling me she's not eligible for services?" The school psychologist said, "No, that's not what we're saying." They spent just over an hour giving us test results but not really fully explaining what they meant. All to the conclusion that they could not check "yes" to the second of the first criteria. She would not be eligible for special education services. I shook my head in disbelief. They had just lied to me. They made me sit around and listen to them give me these results all the while trying to give me the impression that they had not already made up their minds whether she was eligible for services. I was so angry.
Today, I open a big-fat envelope I got in the mail from the school. It reads: "NOTICE OF IEP TEAM FINDINGS THAT CHILD IS NOT A CHILD WITH DISABILITIES." I am seeing red. At no time during this meeting a month ago did anyone mention that she was found to not have a disability. My Magoo has a diagnosis of PDD-NOS and ODD from a child psychologist with the Mayo Clinic System. I would like to think that is legitimate. Now, I'll take you back to the end of last week when Magoo came home and told me that two separate special ed/at risk aids told her she was not Autistic. I was mad then but assumed it was just a case of uneducated aids talking about things they don't understand. Now I get the impression that they had been told to hold that line with her. She was, and is, confused and upset. I am confused and upset and my depression is getting the better of me. I feel very alone and very uncertain.
Years ago, before the Autism diagnosis, I got lots of comments behind my back or under one's breath from strangers and some family members that "I'm glad my kid doesn't act like that," "I don't envy you that behavior," and even "What a brat!" Once we got the diagnosis I suddenly felt more understanding. Suddenly I wasn't a bad mother. Her behaviors just were not under my control. Now, with this up-in-the-air un-diagnosis from the school I'm feeling really shaken. I'm feeling like my whole world is being turned upside down again. What's worse is that Magoo is old enough to understand that her world is getting turned upside down too. She's really been regressing the past few weeks. Everything is off and I just don't know what to do next.
Whew. That rant was too long and too poorly written for you to have made it to the end unless you really care about me. I could use all the support I can get so if you read this will you please comment with your kind words? I could use a little sunshine in this long winter.
April 13, 2013
{this moment}
{this moment} - A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.
April 10, 2013
out of sorts
Today was all over the place. Junior woke up early. Magoo woke up contrary. We looked outside to find ice and slush (and more is on its way). Magoo had early release from school today but I picked her up earlier than that for a dentist appointment. Ugh. I am out of sorts. I'm ready for Spring to get here. I'm ready for the hubby to come home. I'm ready for the girls to sleep through the night.
(This was just a little vent and I should be back to my regularly scheduled charming self soon.)
(This was just a little vent and I should be back to my regularly scheduled charming self soon.)
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